I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
