In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
