You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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