so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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