Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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