you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found the puke drawer
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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