Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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