Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
