is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
