Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
