I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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