Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
