holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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