just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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