why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
