my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
