Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
