You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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