I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
