Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
