I need help removing her.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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