just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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