I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
