you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
