Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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