I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize