I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
