How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
