she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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