...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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