i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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