"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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