there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
