Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
