do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
