Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
