I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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