it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if only i could text you this smell
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
