Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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