But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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