My sheets look like a crime scene.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
