Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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