I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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