he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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