If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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