My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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