STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
