im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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