so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So much rum. So many feels.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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