DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
