I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
