They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Houston, we have a blender
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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