I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
