He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
