Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
