So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
