We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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