The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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