Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
