I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
