Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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