Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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