i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
